Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Correspondence #1

SUBJECT: My Oxford Sex Blog

Dear The Editor of Grazia,

I'm a (female!) Oxford student, and I've started a blog about my sex life at Oxford - I started this on the same day as someone else started their blog about Sex at Oxbridge. Now, I'm not bitter - far from it! Ha! Ha! - but I can't help but think that she has stolen what is rightfully my success.

I've heard on the grapevine that you're thinking of printing a story based on her, even though I've slept with more people. What kind of just universe is this?

Anyway, all I ask - ALL I ask - is that you take out her story from your magazine and replace it with mine. In return:

- I will ask for just half the money that she's getting. Since the death of print media you need to cling to every penny, no?

- I will promise to have sex with as many people as I can find between now and my article. These will be as famous as possible; if you would like to suggest some people for me to try to sleep with, I'll happily oblige! People have already suggested Graham Norton, and (Oxford Professor of Constitutional Law) Vernon Bogdanor, though that might be unrealistic, as Bogdanor's really old.

- I will make sure that every one of my words is absolutely brilliant. When I feel a word is at all out of place or mundane, I will get a thesaurus and find a better one. This might sound arduous, but it is the modus operandi I use for all my manuscriptions (!).

As the old saying goes, "I'm making you an offer you can't refuse"!

Now, I know what you're thinking, surely I could just take this anywhere? Well, perhaps - I already have offers for exclusives from Seatback Magazine (the official in-flight magazine of Virgin Atlantic), and reputable London freesheet The Daily Note! But they don't inspire me quite like yours, with its perfect mix of words, and pictures relating to those words.

So - you put my words in your magazine, sell it for a profit, and give me a small percentage of those profits. Everybody wins, right?

Yours hopefully,
The (Anonymous!) Oxford Sex Blogger

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