Saturday, 15 May 2010

A Very Social Democrat (by which I mean that he wanted to fuck me)

“A new dawn has broken!” I thought, as the sun set over Downing Street, and Dave first set foot outside number 10. I pressed my face to the metal bars of the gates as a crowd swarmed behind me, desperate for a glance of history.

The sky was cloudless, save for a couple of clouds that were there, but were nonetheless not very big. Around me, I could hear car horns hooting in support, clearly audible above the car horns hooting in derision. Even the bearded protesters in red shirts yelled “Tories, Come! Tories, Come!” - crying out for change.

“Oh, Dave!” I yelled. “Dave!” The hopes of a nation rode upon him. Would Britain finally have a fearless, powerful leader, to introduce a secondary education voucher system? To cut Child Trust Funds, to ensure our glorious nation’s survival? To replace Trident?

Could this, finally, be our English Obama?

So swept up I was, that I’d missed the seven text replies on my Samsung E-61i, from seven men telling me they had plans that night. I had a moment of panic - I'd planned on them for sex and shelter! I switched to my Plan B, and walked backwards into the nearest man. There stood a colossus with a goatee and sandals. I motioned as though to say, "how about it?"

“Forget it”, he said. “I’ve always hated your type”.

“Please!”, I begged. “I left Oxford just to see this! Without you, I'll be homeless!"

He looked deep into my soul. His FAIR VOTES NOW t-shirt quivered in the breeze. We both had something to offer each other.

Surely he couldn't walk away?

“Okay”, he said. “I’ll do you a deal. I’ll let you through the door. And even if anyone else comes in, I won’t kick you out. That’ll be all, though.”

We both looked each other up and down.

“That’s so uninspiring”, I said.

“I agree”, he said. “What we need is something that provides stability, and underpinned by some form of common purpose."

I laid out my demands. “Alright. I’ll come with you, and we’ll watch Love Actually over a glass of Merlot.”

"No", he said. "We'll come home, and you'll have sex with me twice."

"Forget it", I said. "I have my principles. I don't have sex twice on the first date."

"Okay. Let's have sex four times."

I saw an opening. "We'll do it twice", I said. "That's my final offer."

He darted back into the crowd for about two minutes, then returned.

"Where'd you go?"

"Oh, it's alright, she didn't seem interested. Though I think we were closer in terms of personality, I just don't think there was much chance of a lasting partnership."


"Yeah, and her boyfriend was against it."

We had reached a crucial stage in the negotiations.

"Alright", he said. "But I don't want this just falling apart after a night. I want something that lasts, for the good of us both. Let's say five years?"

"Five years? What if we end up falling out?"

"We'll be able to break up, if 55% of us agree."

We knew immediately it was love, subject to an agreement that he'd silence himself when the conversation turned to nuclear power.

"Let's go, baby", I told him. "I want your Member in my Cabinet."

"Sure thing", he said. "I want to get to tackling your deficit." That didn't quite work either.

He took my hand, and we fled. He cycled, and I took a taxi close behind. When we reached his house, he opened his big, black door, and with his long, toned arms picked me up, and carried me over the threshold. He rushed up to his room, set me down, undid his zipper -

"Oh, that's hardly proportional", I said.

“I know”, he replied, glumly. “It's so unfair.”

1 comment:

  1. If only I shared the same political vision I could join you on your sexual trip into 10 downing street. Quite a turn off if I'll be honest.