William, it was merely rutting

His knife and fork clattered around the plate. He seemed genuinely nervous. We had broken up three months before, and there'd been silence until this – an invitation to Quod, out of the blue.

“I’ve got something to tell you”, he said. I let him talk.

And talk he did. “You’re pregnant.”

“I’m… what?”

“Pregnant. About three months gone, now.”

“How could this have happened?”

He handed me a small plastic box, ‘How Babies Are Made: A Book On Tape’ (as read by Alan Carr, foreword by Boris Becker). I flicked through it.

“Oh.” I fumbled for something to say. “Is it mine?”

He nodded, grimly.

“How did you find out?”

“You remember when I told you I needed that urine sample? For that urology dissertation I told you I was doing?”

“British Urine Through The Ages, 1919-2009: A Comparative Study? Sure.” It had seemed odd at the time. William studied geography.

“Yeah. Didn’t exist.”

It was all starting to fit together. Mostly.

“Wait - then why did you ask for Juliet’s urine, too?”

“Plausibility.”

“And Karen’s –“

“Look, does it matter?”, he snapped. I suppose it didn’t.

Needless to say, it was the scariest moment of my romantic life. I was starting to regret believing him, when he’d said he was allergic to condoms (“no, not just latex. Condoms”).

It all ended well enough. I flew home for an abortion; the clinic was on a busy street with an animal testing lab on one side, and the American Embassy on the other. Confused protesters stood dazed, wondering what to aim at. In the clinic itself, Dr. Bradbury looked puzzled.

“There’s nothing there”, he told me. “You’re not pregnant.”

Relief was tempered with concern. I wasn’t about to take risks.

“Could you do it anyway?”, I asked.

As a private doctor, he cheerfully obliged. I go back once a month now, just in case. As I’ve said ever since, it’s like a colonic for the womb!

Anyhow, since then, I’ve become an expert on contraception. Here’s my guide.

The Belle dú l’Oxford Guide To Contraception

1. The rhythm method

As a girl, I was brought up in a Catholic school. This is the only one they recommend; as they put it, if you are going to shag your way through 20 men outside of marriage, this is the least sinful way in which to do it.

2. Condoms

As I’ve always said, the more, the better! Three or four is best, in case some break. If they start to slip, try adding adhesive to the lower layers! Do not add adhesive to the top layer.

Catholics also recommend this, as if you use a condom, it’s not technically sex.

3. Withdrawal

The only 100% reliable method of contraception, withdrawal is the best way of keeping sperms out of you entirely, by politely asking the man to leave halfway through.

Remember – if none of you enjoyed it, it probably worked!

Which one of them you choose is up to you. My friend Helen at home likes to be safe, and “doubles up” – she gets the man to wear a condom, and withdraw before orgasm! It’s crafty moves like that that’ll ensure she never gets pregnant again.